The Golden Crumpet
by MegzN'TheMarauders
Summary: This is by me and my friend Pat...we were sugar high and here is the outcome..and random story based on the Golden Compass but with a HUGE twist..it isn't a compass at all...its a very ver tasty Crumpet...showing a truth greater than any imaginable.


We do not own the Golden Compass story...any of the characters..or the plot..tht is Phil Pullman. I dedicate this to myself and Patrick!!! We are Awesome people!!!! P Funny French Men will live forever!!!! With our funny french swords and cannons that blow away you manhood (We are hyper from sugar...and when we are we tlak with french accents...and we insult people..and call ourselves sophisticated yet funny french fools!! They rock our sox all the way to the land of the french and back again!!! P.S Leprachauns...be careful of Shane the two inch who will rape you!!!!) now to the story, sorry if we weirded you out!!! It is not our fault we are just so french it drives us...somewhere.

**The Story of the Golden Crumpet**

Lyra, the girl who lived in a world where she had an animal as her daemon. (A/N wow what a beginning!! dont you think) Pan and Lyra had snuck into the Retirment Room and discovered about the Dust. At that very moment she was sitting in her room thinking of going North with Mrs Coulter, when the Master entered.

"Lyra. Hurry I need to speak to you" he said

"What is it Master?" asked Lyra

"I need to give you something before you go off with Mrs Coulter. Here" said the Master passing Lyra a golden platter raising the lid. Lyra looked inside at the contents. SHe was amazed and her stomach rumbled as she stared at it, as she licked her lips the Master slapped her

"Ow. What was that for?" asked Lyra holding her cheek

"You must not eat this Lyra. You must return it to Lord Asriel so he can learn the truth behind his mission"

"But Master it looks so tasty" moaned Lyra

"I know, dear child. But it is of upmost importance that Mrs Coulter does not know you have it. It is the Golden Crumpet. It tells the truth, and that damn monkey of hers has wanted to eat it since he laid eyes on it, it arouses him" explained the Master

"What does aroused mean?" asked Lyra innocently

"Um...it means that his tummy rumbles every time he sees it" said the Master awkwardly

"The I'm aroused every day. I get so aroused because I never get anything tasty during dinner. Cook never gives me any, and I get sad and aroused. Master can you please give me some to stop my aroushan" asked Lyra. The Master stood up and walked up to Lyra and walked behind her and started rubbing his 'appendage'

"Well Lyra I would be happy to assist you. But not now, you must prepare for your leaving with Mrs Coulter. Off with you"

"But I want some noooooooww" pleaded Lyra. The Master then slapper her

"I said go! Leave now!" yelled the Master. Lyra ran from the room with Pan by her side as a moth. After she left the Master sat down and undid his pants so he could have easy access to his growing manhood. But then Lyra ran back into the room

"Master I forgot the Crumpet- AAAAAAAAAAAHH" she screamed as she saw him. The Master jumped up and fell over form his pants at his ankles

"Lyra!" he screamed

"I'm sorry. I forgot the Crumpet!" she yelled running from the room with Pan holding the yummy yummy crumpet. The Master then sat back down and continued as though nothing happened...he was just more aroused by Lyra's astomnishment.

* * *

In the house that Lyra had arrived in a little while ago, she said to Mrs Coulter 

"Mrs Coulter, I'm aroused"

"That's nice dear. I'm aroused too..wait! WHAT!?" asked Mrs Coulter

"I'm aroused" said Lyra holding her stomach

"Oh really? Well child I can fix that right up" said Mrs Coulter looking at Lyra and then at her monkey,

"What can I have?" asked Lyra

"Anythign you want. You ask for it, I'll give it" said Mrs Coulter, she picked up her monkey and walked to a door, "Now I will be in my room, I will be out shortly, just make youself at home"

"What you wanna do Pan?" asked Lyra

"What are they doing in there Lyra? Mrs Coulter is making strange noises, she sounds like she's fallen over or something" said Pan, listening with his long rabbit ears

"I don't know" said Lyra also listening in, "You want to see if she needs any help?" steeping towards the door. She opened it and wlaked in, "Mrs Coulter? Are you OK? AAAAAAAAH!" she screamed as she saw Mrs Coulter and the moneky lying in the bed rubbing each other in her lower regions

"Lyra!" screamed Mrs Coulter standing up and covereing herself in a sheet, "Lyra. It's not what it looks like" her Monkey stared at her angrily as she denied what they were doing.

"What were you doing?" asked Lyra

"Well Lyra. I was hoping not to tell you this, but I am your mother" confessed Mrs Coulter

"What? And who is my father?" asked Lyra, Mrs Coulter looked at her monkey and sighed, "WHAT? Your monkey is my father? Your daemon? Part of your heart? Your spirit? Is my father? How is that possible?" asked Lyra

"Anything is possible Lyra, when you have a very sexual monkey by your side" said Mrs Coulter

"Pan? Turn into a fish!"screamed Lyra

"Why?" asked Pan

"JUST DO IT!" she screamed, Pan obliged and turned into a very large tuna. He began to flap around as he needed water to breathe..but Lyra picked him up quickly and slapped Mrs Coulter across the face, as she hit her Mrs Coulter yelled out, as did her monkey as they feel the same pain, and Lyra and Pan screamed out as they had justhad themselves slapped onto someones face. Pan quickly changed into a cat and Lyra and Pan both ran out, grabbed the Golden Crumpet and ran out.

* * *

Lyra ran down the street and into a dark corner, she took out the Crumpet and ate the whole thingin one bite. As she chewed it she saw the truth behind her parents. Mrs Coulter and the Monkey created her one long, and hot night. They went on and on for many hours. Then Lyra was born but not with a daemon spirit as she was born of only one person, lacking her other self, her spirit, her true soul. The she saw the next part of the truth, of the secret. Lord Asriel and his daemon, the tigress, also mated, on a very hot and steamy night but on a cold, frosty cliff in the North (Asriel liked it hot and cold wink wink) Their mating was the creation of Pan, Lyra's other soul. The only way to merge the two was for Asriel, Mrs Coulter, the Monkey and the tigress to have a long hot, cold, and steamy orgie. It lasted many many many many days. Afterwards all were so exhausted it took weeks to recover. But from then on Lyra and Pan were merged. And the Golden Crumpet was created by Mrs Coulter the next morning for breakfast. She made many but then discovered that the Crumpets told the Truth, adnt they kept one for their child and daemon to one day know the truth, of her creation.

* * *

Lyra was shocked. She went back to the College the next day, the day after she left the College. When she returned to her room, who did she find? The Master, in the same chair she left him in. When she entered she screamed as he moaned with pleasure at his orgasim and his climax came. When she walked in this time and screamed she didn't run out, she stayed where she was, and learnt what REAL aroushan was. His cum sprayed onto her face, and she licked it off and jumped on the Master, and pinned him down

"What are you doing child?" asked the Master in a confused voice, disguising his true pleasure

"The Crumpet showed the Truth. The whole Truth, now I know what aroushan is...and I like it. Now let me satisfy you in ways you have never been beofre...better than your own hand right?" siad Lyra

"You certainly are child" said the Master throwing her on the floor and jumping on top of her. Pan slowly closed the door, giving the Master and Lyra their privacy...he would know when they were done as he felt what she felt...and he needed to satisfy that with the Masters daemon, a raven. Pan changed into his form of a bird to satisfy the Raven. All four of them were saisfied..and completed the process by having one large orgie..which also lasted for days. Afew hours later Roger and his daemon joined in. The cook knew not to interupt, and later Master and Lyra had their child with a daemon.

(A/N: Hope you enjoyed this random story...HAPPY NEW YEAR! Please R&R no nasty comments please Thankign you all...this is very different form my HP story I know..I am sugar high..blame the sugar and the chips and the non alcoholic wine...also the cookies!!!)


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